When Love Hurts: Seven Ways to Navigate Denial and Disbelief

When trauma is caused by a stranger, we often find ways to make sense of it: wrong place, wrong time, the cruelty of the world. But when harm comes at the hands of someone we love and trust—a parent, partner, sibling, or close friend—our reality cracks open in a different way. The mind can struggle to accept the betrayal. We may cling to denial or disbelief as a survival mechanism.

This blog post explores what denial and disbelief look like in the aftermath of trauma caused by a loved one, why these responses are so common, and how survivors can begin to process and manage the overwhelming emotional conflict that follows.

Understanding Denial and Disbelief

Denial and disbelief are not signs of weakness or naivety. They are psychological defense mechanisms that protect us from pain that feels too big, too shocking, or too contradictory to everything we thought we knew.

Denial is the refusal—conscious or unconscious—to accept reality. It often sounds like:

• “They didn’t mean it.”

• “It wasn’t that bad.”

• “I must be misremembering.”

Disbelief is the mind’s inability to reconcile two opposing truths: that someone we love could also hurt us. Survivors often wrestle with questions like:

• “How could they do this to me?”

• “Was any of it real?”

• “How do I love someone who broke me?”

When trauma and betrayal collide, the human brain often chooses to shut down certain truths, at least temporarily, as a form of emotional triage. Denial and disbelief give survivors space to survive before they’re ready to process the full weight of what happened.

What It Looks Like in Everyday Life

Denial and disbelief may not always look like flat-out rejection of the truth. Often, they show up in subtle ways that protect a survivor from facing the full emotional consequences of betrayal.

1. Rationalizing Harmful Behavior

Survivors may justify the abuser’s actions:

• “They were just stressed.”

• “That’s how they were raised.”

• “They only hit me once.”

This can be especially strong in cases involving parents or intimate partners, where love and dependence complicate the dynamic.

2. Fragmented Memories

The brain may suppress or compartmentalize traumatic events. Survivors may feel foggy, unsure of details, or even question their own memories. This is common with childhood trauma or when abuse is psychological rather than physical.

3. Protecting the Abuser

In many cases, survivors defend the person who hurt them to others—even when they’re internally falling apart. This is a trauma bond reinforced by shame, fear, and the emotional investment already made in the relationship.

4. Over-Identification with the Abuser

Sometimes, survivors turn the blame inward:

• “I must have caused it.”

• “If I were better, they wouldn’t have done this.”

This internalized guilt delays healing and keeps survivors stuck in toxic loyalty.

5. Emotional Numbness or Disconnection

Instead of feeling anger or sadness, survivors may feel… nothing. The body and mind shut down overwhelming emotions to avoid collapse.

Why It’s So Hard to Accept

There’s a deeply human need to believe the people we love are good. Especially in relationships involving caregivers, romantic partners, or close friends, we often tie our identity and safety to that person. Accepting they’ve caused us trauma can feel like losing a part of ourselves.

Common reasons denial and disbelief persist:

• Fear of losing the relationship.

• Dependency (emotional, financial, social).

• Religious or cultural beliefs about loyalty and family.

• Shame about being “fooled” or “weak.”

• The pain of rewriting your life story.

Coming out of denial can feel like grief. Survivors grieve not just the harm, but the loss of the person they thought they knew, the dreams they shared, and the identity they built around the relationship.

How to Manage Denial and Disbelief

Healing doesn’t require rushing to acceptance. It requires gentle, compassionate steps toward truth and self-protection. Here’s how survivors can begin to work through denial and disbelief:

1. Acknowledge the Protective Function of Denial

Instead of shaming yourself for being “in denial,” recognize that it served a purpose. It helped you survive. It bought you time. Denial isn’t the enemy—it’s part of the healing journey.

Affirm to yourself:
“My brain protected me because the truth was too painful. Now, I’m safe enough to begin facing it.”

2. Journal Without Judgment

Use a private, trauma-informed journaling practice to explore your memories, feelings, and doubts. Write as if no one will ever read it. This helps you bypass the inner critic and engage with your true experience.

Prompts you can try:

• What am I afraid might be true?

• What would I say to a friend going through this?

• What do I know happened, even if I wish it didn’t?

3. Find Safe, Supportive Witnesses

It’s hard to hold onto your truth in isolation. Trauma often disconnects us from our sense of reality. Trusted friends, therapists, or support groups can reflect your story back to you with empathy and validation.

A trauma-informed therapist can gently challenge your cognitive distortions and help you differentiate between trauma responses and objective danger.

4. Create Emotional Distance

If possible, take a break from contact with the person who caused harm. Physical and emotional space makes it easier to think clearly and recognize patterns. This might look like:

• Not responding to texts.

• Unfollowing on social media.

• Limiting conversations to logistics (if co-parenting or sharing assets).

Boundaries are not punishment—they are protection and clarity.

5. Educate Yourself About Trauma Bonds

When harm and affection are intertwined, survivors often stay attached to the person who hurt them. Understanding the concept of trauma bonding can normalize your conflicting feelings and reduce self-blame.

Books, podcasts, and articles on narcissistic abuse, codependency, and complex PTSD can provide language for what you’ve been experiencing.

6. Normalize Grieving Someone Still Alive

You may be grieving the version of them that you believed in. That grief is valid, even if the person is still in your life. Allow yourself to feel the loss of the fantasy, the dreams, the “good times” that now feel tainted.

Grieving doesn't mean you’re weak or stuck. It means you're human.

7. Practice Compassionate Self-Dialogue

Denial often stems from a deep fear of what accepting the truth will mean about you. Combat shame with gentle affirmations:

• “I did the best I could with what I knew.”

• “It’s okay to love someone and still protect myself.”

• “Believing in someone who hurt me doesn’t make me foolish—it makes me human.”

Your worth is not defined by what someone else did to you.

Conclusion: You Can Hold Two Truths

One of the hardest lessons in trauma recovery is learning that two truths can exist at the same time:

• They were kind to me sometimes.

• They also hurt me deeply.

Acknowledging harm doesn’t erase the love or memories. But it does open the door to healing.

Denial and disbelief aren’t weaknesses—they’re your nervous system’s way of protecting your heart. But when you’re ready, the truth will begin to rise. And with it, a stronger, wiser version of you will emerge.

Call to Action

If you're struggling with the aftermath of trauma from a loved one, you don’t have to walk through it alone. A trauma-informed therapist or support group can help you process these complex emotions with care and safety.

Start by taking one small step today—whether it’s journaling, reaching out to someone you trust, or simply acknowledging what your heart has always known.

You are not broken. You are healing.