Surviving an Attempted Murder-Suicide: The Emotional Stages of Recovery and Healing
Surviving an attempted murder-suicide is a life-altering experience that fractures your sense of reality, safety, trust, and often—your identity. It’s the kind of trauma that leaves a complex emotional scar, especially when the perpetrator is someone you knew, loved, or trusted.
While every survivor's journey is unique, there are emotional stages that many people navigate in the aftermath. These stages aren’t linear or fixed—you may move back and forth between them, revisit them unexpectedly, or experience more than one at once. That said, having language for what you’re feeling can help validate your experience and guide your healing.
This trauma-informed guide walks you through the emotional stages of surviving an attempted murder-suicide, with insight into betrayal trauma, survivor's guilt, and the clinical underpinnings of what’s happening in your brain and body.
Stage 1: Shock and Acute Dissociation
Immediately following the event, the body and brain often shut down emotionally to protect you from the overwhelming horror of what’s happened. This is a survival response known as acute dissociation—a common symptom of trauma.
What it feels like:
Feeling numb, unreal, or disconnected from your body
Going through the motions without memory of them later
Inability to speak about the incident
Confusion about time or reality
Clinical insight: Your amygdala (threat detection center) goes into overdrive while the prefrontal cortex (logic/reasoning) temporarily goes offline. You may feel detached or “spaced out”—this is the brain’s way of cushioning you from emotional overwhelm.
What helps:
Grounding practices to reconnect to your body (touching cold objects, feeling your feet on the floor)
Safety first: staying somewhere where you feel physically and emotionally secure
Gentle support from trauma-informed professionals or loved ones—no pressure to talk yet
Stage 2: Denial and Disbelief
Once the immediate danger is over, the mind may try to deny or minimize what happened. This can be especially intense if the person who hurt you was someone close. It feels impossible to reconcile their actions with the person you thought you knew.
What it feels like:
“This can’t be real.”
Defending or rationalizing the person’s behavior
Trying to act like things are “normal”
Shame about being connected to them
Clinical insight: This is part of betrayal trauma, a specific kind of trauma that occurs when someone you rely on for safety is the one who causes you harm. It creates a cognitive dissonance that your brain tries to resolve through denial.
What helps:
Gently acknowledge the reality of the event without judgment
Write out your version of events to help your brain process the sequence
Therapy modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) can help sort through this conflict
Stage 3: Rage and Betrayal
When denial cracks, it’s often followed by intense anger—at the person who tried to harm you, at the people who didn’t protect you, and sometimes even at yourself. Rage is a normal, valid, and even necessary part of reclaiming power after extreme violation.
What it feels like:
Sudden outbursts or persistent anger
Feeling “possessed” by fury or revenge fantasies
Questioning why no one stopped it
Anger at yourself for not seeing signs or escaping sooner
Clinical insight: This is your fight response activating. Anger is often the nervous system’s attempt to restore agency and justice. In betrayal trauma, rage may be tied to deep feelings of powerlessness and confusion.
What helps:
Allow space for anger without trying to suppress or justify it
Physical outlets like screaming (into a pillow), hitting something safe, or expressive movement
Trauma-informed therapy to explore the anger beneath the betrayal
Stage 4: Survivor’s Guilt and Shame
When the person who attempted to harm you dies (or even just survives and disappears from your life), survivor’s guilt can emerge. You may wonder why you lived, whether you could have prevented their actions, or even feel responsible for the aftermath.
What it feels like:
“Why did I survive and they didn’t?”
Shame about being connected to the event
Guilt for not having seen the warning signs
Feeling undeserving of life, peace, or happiness
Clinical insight: Survivor’s guilt often stems from the trauma brain's desire to find meaning or control. In the case of attempted murder-suicide, this can be complicated by grief and unresolved attachment to the perpetrator.
What helps:
Naming guilt for what it is: a trauma symptom, not a truth
Speaking with a trauma-informed therapist to work through complicated grief
Engaging in symbolic rituals of closure (letters, memorials, healing ceremonies)
Stage 5: Depression and Grief
After the intense activation of the earlier stages, many survivors hit a phase of emotional exhaustion, hopelessness, or grief. You may mourn the loss of your past life, your sense of innocence, or your relationship with the person who hurt you.
What it feels like:
Deep sadness, apathy, or numbness
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Feeling isolated, “different,” or broken
Intrusive thoughts or despair about the future
Clinical insight: This phase aligns with post-traumatic depression and complicated grief, especially when the perpetrator dies by suicide. Your nervous system is recalibrating after prolonged stress, and your body may be in a state of collapse.
What helps:
Compassion-focused therapy and somatic experiencing
Grief support groups, especially for suicide survivors
Daily structure with gentle self-care—eating, sleeping, movement
Stage 6: Meaning-Making and Self-Reclamation
This is when you begin to reclaim your narrative. You may start to see yourself not only as a survivor but as someone growing stronger, wiser, and more in control of your life. You may explore how the trauma has shaped you—and how it doesn’t have to define you.
What it feels like:
“I didn’t deserve what happened, but I deserve to heal.”
Curiosity about life again
Small sparks of hope or purpose
Desire to understand the trauma rather than be defined by it
Clinical insight: This aligns with post-traumatic growth, where survivors find deeper meaning, strength, or connection after adversity. While this stage doesn’t erase pain, it allows for integration and forward motion.
What helps:
Reflective practices like journaling or storytelling
Mindfulness or spiritual exploration (if aligned with your beliefs)
Connecting with others who’ve experienced trauma in peer spaces
Stage 7: Integration and Moving Forward
In this stage, your story becomes a part of you—but no longer all of you. You might still get triggered or grieve at times, but those waves don’t pull you under like they used to. You’ve rebuilt something from the ruins—yourself.
What it feels like:
Emotional regulation and awareness of triggers
Confidence in your ability to protect and care for yourself
Healthy boundaries and clarity around relationships
Pride in your growth—even if the journey was messy
Clinical insight: This is a sign of nervous system regulation and trauma integration. You’re living with the memory, but not in the memory. You’ve done the hard work of reprocessing and now live more from your prefrontal cortex than your trauma brain.
What helps:
Continuing support: therapy, community, or spiritual practices
Sharing your experience (if you choose) to empower others
Living your life with intention, freedom, and self-trust
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone
Surviving an attempted murder-suicide changes everything. It shakes the foundation of trust, love, safety, and identity. But it does not destroy your worth. It does not define your future.
Healing is not about “getting over it”—it’s about learning how to live with what happened while building something meaningful alongside it. You are not broken. You are adapting. And with time, support, and compassion, you can reclaim your life and make it yours again.
You survived. And now, you get to write the rest of the story.
Looking for Support?
If you’re navigating the emotional aftermath of a traumatic event like this, know that help is available. Trauma-informed therapy, support groups, and educational resources can be lifelines.
Start with:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Dial 988
The Trauma Recovery Workbook – Tools to guide your healing
Newsletter Signup – Ongoing support, insights, and reminders that you're not alone
